It takes a brave newscaster to bring down a certain jerk. Edward R. Murrow was one, Keith Olbermann, another. Here is the
transcript of the best alternative to the state of the union.
"And now, a little out of traditional sequence, COUNTDOWN‘s nominee for today‘s Worst Person in the World.
"And Bill O‘Reilly is at it again. The second time in four shows, whining about cheap shots from MSNBC and NBC. This time, he opened his program with it, ostensibly starting with a patronizing update on the health of ABC‘s Doug Vogt and Bob Woodruff, whom he identified as Woodriss.
"There was a lot of guff about the code among most in TV news of respect and professional courtesy, but most of what Mr. O‘Reilly was saying was his typical obtuse shorthand of bullying and another word starting with bull.
"As a public service, I‘m going to read portions of his remarks, and then translate them into what he‘s actually saying. The bottom line is, as the oldest cliche goes, he can dish it out, but clearly he cannot take it.
"(reading): “Fox News has good relationships with ABC News, CBS News, and, generally, CNN.”
"That‘s probably why Fox bought those billboards across the street from CNN headquarters taunting them about ratings, or issued that anonymous statement comparing CNN to the “Titanic,” or the one about Ted Turner losing his mind.
"(reading): “But Talking Points is troubled by the behavior of NBC, which cheap-shots Fox News on a regular basis and has been doing so for some time.”
"You know, I got to confess, it never occurred to me before, but when we quote your own words back to you about how the Catholic Church was out to get Christmas, or how we should let al Qaeda attack San Francisco, they must seem like cheap shots.
"(reading): “It is only a few people doing this, but NBC president Robert Wright allows it to happen. Wright knows exactly what‘s going on, because he‘s been made aware of it.”
"Maybe he hasn‘t, Bill. Mr. Wright is the chairman, not the president, of NBC, so your postcard of complaint may have gone to the wrong office. And, by the way, let us leave our bosses out of this, Bill, or I‘ll have to call yours. And you know how much Satan hates to be disturbed while “American Idol” is on.
"By the way, I ain‘t calling Rupert Murdoch the devil, by the way. ["Ooh" in the background]
"(reading): “Now, we understand that NBC has major problems. Its prime-time programming is dead last, its cable operations are ratings failures.”
"In the cable ratings for the year 2005, USA Network, owned by NBC, finished three whole places ahead of Fox News. And as to MSNBC, since February of 2005, our respective ratings tell a very interesting story, in what was described today by News Corp as, quote, “the money demo.” COUNTDOWN‘s ratings are up 34 percent, but O‘Reilly‘s have shriveled by 21 percent.
"Bill‘s obviously among our new viewers.
"(reading): “But that is no excuse for unprofessional behavior.”
"Unless, that is, the unprofessional behavior is with one of your women producers on the phone.
"(reading): “There‘s no question that the amazing success of Fox News has affected all TV news operations.”
"Like bird flu.
"(reading): “But CNN, for example, usually competes with class, not bitterness.”
"Which is why we at Fox News compared CNN‘s Paula Zahn to an outhouse and a dead muskrat.
"(reading): “Likewise, we respect ABC and CBS for their work ethic and competitive zeal.”
"Especially since David Letterman kicked the crap of me on CBS earlier this month.
"(reading): “But there‘s something very wrong with NBC. And if it continues, Talking Points will go into greater detail about the problems besetting that network.”
"Is this that code among most in TV news of respect and professional courtesy you mentioned, Bill, or do we get to that part later?
"“We hope Robert Wright will right the situation—and believe he has the power to do it—but perhaps we‘re wrong about Wright.”
"Bill made a funny! Hee.
"“Maybe he‘s out of the loop or maybe he just doesn‘t care. Well, he should care. We‘ll let you know what happens.” This is Ted Baxter, WJM, good night and good news."
Thanks to MSNBC.com for this transcript, and thanks, MSNBC, for hiring Keith in the first place.
